Okay! I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve spent a lot of my life holding onto large amounts of guilt. Anger. Worry. A foreboding heaviness of dread? Anyone else? Is this an anxiety thing? Is this a grief thing? Is it the weight of the wold resting on your shoulders? Or is it just an unexplainable phenomenon that we’re putting ourselves through? I’ve talked about confidence, reconnection, guilt, and now I’m talking about when is it time to just let shit go!! When do we move on from what doesn’t serve us? As something that I’m trying to actively do I thought I’d talk about it here. I know I’m not the only one who hangs onto things: feelings, clothing, friendships, situationships, grief, makeup, oh the list goes on and on! When do these things need to just be dropped off and moved away from? Well that’s complicated and I know that-but let’s discuss what does and doesn’t need to be kept around.
Are you hanging onto something that just makes you feel bad? But there’s a lot of history to it and it’s just too hard to get rid of? This could be as simple as a dress that doesn’t fit you anymore or a childhood friendship that if you were to meet today it wouldn’t be a thing. The simple answer is: don’t hang onto things that don’t make you happy. That don’t serve you in a positive way. Well we all have things that are complicated, difficult, messy and bring an onslaught of emotions. I have this dress that I’ve had for years, it’s a long maxi dress that’s semi formal, still in my style, yet I’ll never wear it again. I wore it to my mothers funeral, so it’s that dress forever. Also at the time it was too long for me and got ripped up all over the shoes I wore that day. So it’s damaged and likely to never be worn again. Do I get rid of it? Do i finally move on so every time I see it in my closet I don’t have to think about that day? That was also the day I stood up in front of many loved ones and expressed how much I loved my mother. How much she meant meant to me. I was able to tell a room full of people she was so beloved by how special she was. If it won’t be worn again, why keep it? Should I wear it again? Should I repurpose it and make it something special? There’s so many options.
One of the most dreaded and loathsome conversational pieces I hate to hear is: “I just don’t understand….” “I could never….” “People who do that, I just don’t get it….” when it’s something so very minor. Style, career, attitude, choices, the list goes on. Yes there are grey areas in all aspects of life and some things that I would never do, but why use such a hard definitive statement to someone wearing an outfit that you wouldn’t pick. Someone’s wedding theme. Someone’s home decor. Someone choosing to leave a career field they’re killing it in. Sure we may al say something to that level in passing, but I’m talking about the people who want you to agree. Who state at you like, don’t you agree? They repeat themselves as if you didn’t hear them and then give an onslaught of judgement. These are the kind of people where I think, wow, is it time to move on? Now family is difficult and we all have very personalized and complex relationships when it comes to family. Some choose to grin and bear it, some cut others off completely, some just say hellos at holidays. But what about the chosen people in your life? Do they no longer resonate with who you’ve become over time? Always combat you with an argument, but it’s okay because of the history? If you’re keeping someone around in your life that doesn’t serve you in any way, but dread - why keep them in your life? Sometimes it helps to make a list, sometimes it helps to just cut off the relationship and move on. This sounds harsh at times, but at the end of your entire life who are you spending each day in and out with? You. If this person is causing you absolute unnecessary stress and at the end of your day you don’t need them to survive-what’s keeping them around?
I feel like a lot of my writing this year has turned a bit darker. Much more about really trying to grasp at the straws of reconnecting! Of feeling like you belong and knowing your worth! Which is something I’ve always really tried to implement in my social media presence, but for the first time in a long time I feel like I don’t mean it. I want to, don’t get me wrong! But I’ve been holding onto a lot of heavy weighted events in my life that are just isolating me. Keeping me pinned to this feeling of being lost. Not knowing who I am. Joy being harder and harder to find within myself. I’m so sorry for those who may have gotten the effects of this from me. I think it’s time to just finally let some of the things I’ve been tightly holding onto go.
Trigger warnings ahead: miscarriage, blood loss, surgery, loss of pregnancy, mental health issues
Christmas of last year I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for a short time and were so completely overjoyed it happened so fast. Being as someone who doesn’t have either of my parents in my life still I wanted to still get that feeling of telling family-so I told all my closest friends straight away. We went to my husbands family for that holiday season and yes it was way too early to tell anyone, but come on. A Christmas baby announcement? Sounds like a fucking hallmark movie. My first trimester was incredibly difficult and I was in a very low depression due to it. My husband and I both were really going through the ringers from it. Me physically and mentality, him feeling completely helpless. As the second trimester crept close I started to get mixed signals from the OBGYN and worry set it. For our first ultrasound right at the start of the second trimester we found out that I had a miscarriage early on, so no baby had ever formed. This was a shock and devastating, but we were hopeful to continue on. The day after the ultrasound I woke up around 3am to incredible pain and massive bleeding. Due to an early miscarriage in the start of the pregnancy this meant that I had only partially miscarried and now my body was finishing the miscarriage. I won’t go into the details, but two emergency room visits, an ambulance ride, blood transfusion and emergency surgery later I was home. Ever since this has happened I feel like a part of me has never truly recovered. Part of me was left back in 2022 even. The part of me who was fearless, unstoppable and the person I always wanted to grow up to be. Now I am scared, weak, defeated and at times feel like a shell of who I know i can be. I’ve been seeing my therapist a lot this year and I’ve been trying to work on myself. Due to my weakened immune system when I get sick this year I get VERY sick. I’ve had a few illnesses since everything and they set me way back. Fear grips me more than I’d like to admit. By writing this down I hope to also let some of this fear go. I know it takes so much more work than that and I am trying to do it. Believe me! I want to capture what took me years to cultivate. Self worth. Self love. Self acceptance. So please, life is so incredibly short. Unpredictable. Insane. Unexpected. and not guaranteed. Enjoy it. Let the things go that need to be let go. Stand up for yourself and what you need in order to survive. Live for you! Live authentically as you! I’m going to really try and keep this in the forefront of my thoughts from here out. Let go of some of that fear, frustration and expectations of myself. I hope if you’re holding onto anything like that you do as well.
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