My whole life I’ve been very self conscious of the amount of space I take up when surrounded by others. Be it strangers, colleagues, friends or lovers. Whenever I would catch a glimpse of my reflection while sitting with people, or seeing a photo of myself surrounded by others it would change my mood immediately. The moment of shame and guilt. Self disgust. It could ruin a good time I was having. Occupy my thoughts as people carry on around me. So many things through out my life taught me to detach myself from my physical form, to separate what I looked like from how I am perceived to others. If I let myself realize I’m this big, that if I really do take up this much space, I won’t ever be able to enjoy myself. I’ll never want to engage with people around me. Hobbies and interests will die off. I’ll spend my days wallowing in the pain of facing who I am.
As someone who has always been one of the biggest people in their friend group, place of employment, family reunions and many other situations -you absorb a lot of negative body criticism. Which can lead to constantly covering up your body, trying to hide it from others. Most of my teens and 20’s were spent like this.
This was all due to surrounding dialogue through out my entire life. And it must be really bad if those I love are saying it to me. Right? My family, my friends, even my romantic partners? They only want what’s best for me, right? That being smaller is therefore being healthier. That being smaller will make people like you more. That being smaller will finally make someone finally love you-therefore you can also finally love yourself. Is everyone taught this? Has everyone else been told what what is wrong with them, and how to be more appeasing to others?
I remember shortly after getting engaged spending nights worrying about just how big I was going to be at my wedding. Needing to get small, stay small and not stand out too much next to the man I love. Covid short hit after I got engaged, the world shut down and so did I. I never ended up losing that weight I wanted to lose, but I don’t look at my photos in disgust. I see myself in one of the most happiest states of my life. Being surrounded by those I love and adore, not caring what others may think. I can’t believe I can sit here today and say that, I love looking at photos from our wedding. Despite any size I wish I could have gotten to, in the long run it doesn’t matter. The memories and moments created shine so much more in these photos.
Although this is all you know, they want to make sure you realize it’s bad. Maybe you’ve been like this since childhood, you were told you’re taking up too much space and being too big for your age. It just follows into adulthood. Sure, you’re going to the gym and you’re eating a healthy diet. But it doesn’t matter. You’re wrong, you exist wrong. You could change things, and you could take extremes to become the correct version of yourself. Then you’ll not only be who you’re meant to be, you’ll also take up so much less space. You’ll be easier to cater for, because you’re finally exactly as should be. Smaller, thinner, less jarring to look at. Ignore health concerns, even ignore internal digestive track issues. Be in the moment of making sure everyone around you isn’t ashamed to be seen with you. Ignore the brain fog from lack of eating or the shakes from over cardio. It’s all worth it. You’re not taking up all that space anymore. You might be unable to hold conversations from the fatigue of malnutrition, but you’re finally existing correctly.
This is a world I don’t want to ever go back to, a world where I try to minimize myself. I want to look in the mirror at home like I look in the mirror surrounded by others. Happy to see myself. Enjoying the uniqueness and joy that is me. Have a good relationship with my doctor. Know I can speak to them about an ailment and they won’t make me lose 60 pounds before thinking of doing tests. See more people like myself enjoying and celebrating their existence. I want to feel strong, move my body and be thankful I wake up in it every day. Let myself be embraced by those who love me. Drop the worry of being seen through their eyes. Look back at photos and videos with friends and remember the good times. Not the times I was wishing I could disappear. Be truly in the moment with those I love and drop all self paranoia that someone can’t stand looking at me in this size. Yes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone is attracted to different things. Drop that notion entirely and just focus on your own relationship with you. If you want to change, don’t go to extremes that leave you worse than before. Do it for yourself, not to make someone else find worthiness in you. And most important, if you’re happy with how you look don’t let someone talk you into changing. Don’t let others tear you down just to build you in an image that’s more digestible to them. Be so authentically yourself that others are drawn to that amazing energy. Embrace it and be thankful you wake up in that body each day. This is something I continue to work on and hope that others realize they’re not alone in.
To send feedback or suggestions for upcoming posts contact ally@shopbetenoire.com
